TMI?

"Integrity" was the topic of discussion at small group last night. Someone asked the question, would our spouse describe our character the same as our church friends? Well that's a toughy, because I wear multiple hats.  So the deeper question I had to ask myself was, am I willing to allow my entire sphere to see what I look like in all those hats? How transparent am I, really?

I figure, this blog is as good a place as any to start letting a few bones out of my closet.  But first, I had to build up some nerve.  So I scanned the internet for gritty, unedited honesty...along the lines of cluttered bedrooms, botox reveals, and dinner disasters. Except, all I found were people pinning ideas on how to be amazing, or facebooking how fabulous their lives are.

Now, I'm an optimist and I believe everyone is potentially on a journey to greatness. I do. But if I'm gonna put myself out there, I want to be reassured that I'm not totally inferior just because I'm having a slovenly moment or twelve.  I know well and good how things ought to be, but there are days that what I should do or what I'm supposed to feel, seem unattainable. Sometimes, I am just downright underwhelming.  I wouldn't advocate mediocrity but I thought maybe if I started confessing a few of these shortfalls, fellow bloggers might join me in a little over-disclosure? Exhibitionists unite! Anyone? 

Ok, here goes. *Gulp*  

I'll admit, parts of me are pretty awesome, unfortunately, I have a lot of un-awesome pieces that are also part of my reality. I know I'm capable of being better so it helps to remind myself that I am unique, just like everyone else, but there are days my behavior is questionable. Just look at my Laundry room. 

It's like this 90% of the time

I've been known to work in my Pj's all day.  I have seven junk drawers in my house because I don't know why. I've sent my kid to school without lunch on accident a few times. I let myself indulge in greasy, Wendy's Baconaters during isolated moments of delirium.  I have serious issues with domestic organization. In fact, I just cleaned my room and somehow all of this was left over. Now it's sits beside my desk, mocking me.

This is one of the dinners I burned when I'm wasn't paying attention...

Sometimes when I ponder intense things, I'll puff on my e-cigarrette.

Oh calm down, it's nicotine free! 

I'm a middle aged woman vainly clinging on to the youth of my early twenties but I don't always take a good picture, you know. It's much harder these days to get the "right" angle.

M'kay, my face is covered in hives here but I'm making a point

Sometimes this obsession over my insecurities compels me to take nature into my own hands, like burn my face off with acid or plump my lips with Juvaderm.

About 2 hours post injection. (Totally freaking out here, btw)

I also have entitlement issues. God put me at the back of the line when he dispensed the melanin. All I got was the over-spray resulting in kajillion freckles, so I use fake tanner to achieve my sun-kissed look. 

Got a little carried away, ya think?

I even tattooed eyebrows to my face because 1.) Nature forgot to give them to me. 2.) I do not posses the artistic panache to pencil them in without looking like I scrawled the Mcdonald's arches on my forehead.

Looking like I was attacked by a brown sharpie, 30 min post

Ultimately, I'm just a girl who's dreams didn't die with the birth of my children. I've tried to kill them. My dreams, I mean.  But they sneak up on me every time I get around live music, when I read an inspirational book or witty blog.  When I feel tentacles of regret nagging at my conscience, I have to remember it's still in me, something wonderful, waiting to break out. I just do know what "it" is yet. Rest assured, when I find it, I will shamelessly plug it here.

Of course, these aren't all my secrets but if I'm going to spearhead a transparency revolution, I need to start with baby steps.