Monday, December 12, 2011

21st Century's Ordinary Wife's Guide

My Personal Revisions to the Original "Good Wife's Guide"
I did not particularly care for this 1955 version of how to be a good wife. I thought it needed some updating so I've swept off the cob-webs and condensed the finer points of this Article's 19 guidelines down to just 11 rules. My changes correlate alphabetically below the originals. Follow at your own risk, I'm not in a very good mood today...

1)  Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
A) Text him that you've had a very hard day at work and/or being domestic and the prospect of him picking up some Taco Bell on his way home would really be awesome.  This way he will know you have been thinking of him and are concerned that you both get fed. 

2)  Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
B)  Put your sweats and T-shirt on, wash your face and throw your hair up in a bun when you get home from work. This way maybe he won’t get the idea to attempt any funny-business while you're trying to relax. You're weary from working and/or watching his kids all day, but he has needs so perhaps an exchange can be negotiated? Suggest retiring to the boudoir early for a little procreation ‘trade’ should he be inclined to give you a foot rub or, if he is really ‘in the mood’, have him clean your bathroom. After all, that's the kind of thing that actually turns a wife on.

3)  Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
C)  Look super hawt when he comes home! Ask him how his work was and pretend to listen to him talk about his boring day for five minutes. Laugh at one of his jokes. Show him how lucky he is to have a sexy wife that is still interested and respects him after all these years.
4)  Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
D)  DO NOT clean anything all day, not even after your own mess. Let him see the crap you have to clean up everyday. He will appreciate you even-more and maybe even cook dinner to thank you for all that you do.

5)  During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
E)  Turn up the thermostat in the winter and suggest he take a tranquilizing shower to sedate him after work. Turn on the game for him to unwind by, maybe he will fall asleep and not notice you've left the house for some therapeutic shopping. Relax as you peruse through the department store aisles, allow each purchase to assuage the stresses of your hectic day.  After all, tending to both your needs is essential for marital havenship (and if you accidently startle him awake when you sneak into bed at 2AM and he wakes up wanting some something, at least he will be clean and you both might get satisfied.)

6)  Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
F)  Make sure ALL appliances are running upon the moment of his arrival; show him how hard you work all day. Perhaps he will take pity on you when the kids are having a meltdown and give you a massage. 

7)  Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
G)  At least give him a wink or nod that you acknowledge he's home. You will probably be too preoccupied cooking his dinner and refereeing his children to feign happiness. A simple “hi honey” does wonders.

8)  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
H)  Timing is key. Busy yourself and placate him with some innocuous chit-chat until the kids are tucked in bed. Once the two of you are alone, turn off the television and when you’ve got him cornered, unload. He won’t even see it coming and you’ll have his undivided attention, giving him plenty of time to chew on all those less-important topics of yours.

9)  Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
I)  Refer to (H) with a caveat that failing to get prior clearance to ‘stay out all night’ relegates him to sleep on the couch until he has paid sufficient penance and showed genuine guilt and remorse for his moronic decision. 

10) Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
J)  Make yourself comfortable. At the end of a long day you deserve to relax and cozy up in your favorite chair, swaddled in your fluffy robe with a cup of hot coffee. Leave some in the pot for him. If you’re feeling especially gracious, place the remote somewhere within arms-reach beside his lazy-boy. Instruct the kiddos too remove his work-boots once he sits down. Bribe them with candy or something.

11) Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.  A good wife always knows her place.
K)  Trust is paramount. It is a wife’s valiant duty to oversee the activities and sustain the moral climate of the home.  Be sure to check all his text messages.  Install spyware on his computer; buy him a phone with GPS tracking. This way you’ll always know where he is and what he’s doing.  No need to nag or question him. Let him get lucky on date-night if he’s been a good boy. If he’s been naughty, you will have all the evidence you need to throw him under the bus.

What is your idea of a 21st century wife's duties? What does she look like?


Stephen Nazarchyk said...

Lol!!, well the disclaimer says it all! Thank the Lord that not all women feel this way, and if most of you married girls out there truly feel this disgruntled.... Well alls I can say is dont be surprised if years from now you find yourself with a house full of cats and surfing multiple dating sites for your next victim. :p

Sarah Hubler-Gutierrez said...

i was gonna do something like this but you beat me to the punch because im too busy with the rugrats. loved it! initial reaction: you were much more loving than i thought you'd be! you could take this type of thing to a much harsher extreme if you ask a lot of women i know....jeffs a lucky man! nice work!

Anonymous said...

Seriously, this was a REAL article?!?!? I'm FUMING! I mean I can't believe.... the..... GAH!

(p.s. you make me laugh)

JeffDavis said...

Overall, good points. Humanizing both sexes can only make for a better marriage. Stephen's comment makes me wonder if current wives are disgruntled compared with the past. BTW, how could anyone enter a marriage with false expectations nowadays given the internet's vast information about each and every aspect of dating, relationships, and marriage. I'm just sayin.....

Please post more slice of life material like this.