Wednesday, February 15, 2012

5 Survival Tips For Dating a Mama's Boy

This post comes to you as a cautionary notice, so before you get all gaga over my son(s) (and how could you not?).  I want you to know a few thingsbecause you are in for a treat if they're considering you to join our tribe.

My boys' dad is the poster child of  how to respect, serve, adore and listen to a woman. They have grown up knowing what it looks like to love a woman. Meanwhile, I've devoted my days to strategically investing exorbitant amounts of quality time with our sons, revealing to them all things girl-confidential. It is my aim to de-mystify the female creature and do my best to teach my boys our body language, subtle nuances and decode any passive aggressive girl-speak. I warn them about our instinctive urges to control and undermine.  I teach them to resist our blubbery tears and fluttering puppy dog lashes. I coach them on how to recognize when a girl is twisting an argument in attempt to reverse blame.  If I've done my job, my sons will be immune to whining and nagging know how to dodge girls who use these bags of tricks. Hopefully by the time I'm finished galvanizing their spines, my boys will become men able to resist bewitching Delilah-like  powers of fruit-scented Jezebels. 

Ladies, you will thank me later. Because, I'm really helping you, you know, weeding out the tramps and the manipulators, preserving my man child for a nice girl he can bring home to mama. You're a nice girl, aren't you?

Of course it wouldn't be fair for my sons to hastily wield around this caliber of knowledge in a committed and faithful relationship without you having been advised.  Both of you deserve a chance to love on an equal playing field and it would be imprudent of me not to candidly offer you, my potential daughter-in-law, a few inside tips to give your relationship the best possible foundation.

1.) If you want to date my boy and you have daddy issues, get some therapy. My son will never compensate for the deficit in the rusty, leaky love tank that your father didn't maintain. Your insecurities are yours to resolve alone because no amount of bludgeoning my son for compliments, or demand on his undivided attention is going to re-build your crippled self esteem. You will only become co-dependent on him and god-forbid, if and when something else vies for his attention -career, hobby, family, you will just resent it and become jealous.

Jealousy is ugly. You don't want to be ugly, do you? Jealously makes most girls to act like psychos and when your crazy shenanigans and tantrums don't change things you will probably seek some other boy  to feed your greedy narcissism. And then you will be a cheater. Cheaters are bad. Bad girls can't marry my boys. So, see a doctor and take your pills. Get a hobby for heaven's sake, then you'll have my blessing.

2.) Know how to apologize. Apologizing requires you to be vulnerable and give the offended opportunity to forgive you. It is not "I'm sorry but..." or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you're sorry." Sometimes apologizing is saying "I'm sorry" even if you are right. Or, it's asking forgiveness when you're not feeling very sorry. Sometimes it is just taking responsibility for your bad behavior in a situation. It's a path to peace.

If you have a hard time with these words or humbling yourself  to someone, you've got deeper issues.  If you tend to believe that most problems in your relationships are not your fault, your relationship with my son is already doomed.  Please don't date my child. Because people who don't admit accountability are stubborn and stubborn people are selfish. Selfish people are eventually divorced people. You don't want my son to divorce you, right?

3.) Have a healthy respect for authority. A normal girl wants the parents of their BF to like them. Make an effort. You see, the bible teaches to honor your father and mother before "thou shall not murder."  It's the key to living a long life if God has willed your days to be many. You believe the bible, don't you?  It sure would be a shame for you to die early just because you were disrespectful to you mother-in-law. So be gracious to the mother who groomed your man into the stud he is!

Consider yourself fortunate he is a mama's boy. This is just a guarantee he will treat you with the same adoration and love. The same, but different. No need to be jealous or feel like you have to compete with the mom, either. She never feels like she is competing with you.  She is secure in her love for her son(s) and will not second guess their love for her just because they've met a hot girl. Love multiplies, it doesn't have to be divided, there is enough to share. Be empowered by that.

4.) Surround yourself with good people. Emulate classy women whom you respect -Julia Child or Carol Brady, your nurse or homeschooling neighbor, Oprah or the Pioneer Woman- it doesn't matter. Just make sure she's not a bully or slut. 

5.) Practice being kind--to everyone. Keep your disagreements clean and dignified. Don't ever hit below the belt with degrading insults. Fighting dirty just shows you can't be trusted. If you engage in social network blasting or harassing girls at school/work or throwing things out of rage, that makes you a bully and a brat and you are not the one for my son. Lack of courtesy and manners reveals your absence of self discipline. You will inevitably treat my son with the same brand of contempt when the going gets tough, and there will be tough times. I spend 18+ years protecting my boys from the evils of this world and my mouth just foams at the thought of them getting stuck with a mean girl . Don't be a mean girl, I will bite you.

If you have mastered these five main things, you and I will get along swimmingly. My son may be a mama's boy now but it is my full intention to release him wholeheartedly to the wife who will love, care and respect him beyond my ability. I will always be his mom. No girl or wife can ever take that from me. I have not raised my boys into the men they are or will become with any intention of  'mothering' them throughout adulthood. Once they finally settle down with their wives, I'm looking forward to being my son's good friend. I think that will be one of the biggest and best rewards of being his mom.

Yours truly,

PS. Any other moms out there with more to add? let us know:)  


    Anonymous said...

    This is absolute bullshit fuck this and fuck you

    Kevin Brumfield said...

    Ok then u just dont understand

    Kevin Brumfield said...

    Ok then u just dont understand

    Kevin Brumfield said...

    Ok then u just dont understand