Conquering The Dread Gremlins

Oh, they are real, let me tell you!  If I don't hit that pillow dead-dog-tired and I allow myself one iota of contemplative reflection, those little demons rise up from under my bed and plunge their claws of damnation right into my soul.

It happened again last night. I knew better than to read that article before bed! *Face-palm.* The snarly sadistic voices went into a rage, this time lambasting me for throwing my kids into the lions-den of public schoolery only to have them brainwashed by our government into narcissistic, co-dependent little communist trolls. WHAT HAVE I DONE, what am I doing??!!

Then I caught myself. 

Lisa, BE NICE! Stop talking like that. Wait for the morning, it'll be OK. It took about an hour of convincing myself to step away from the ledge before I fell asleep, concluding yet another episode of what I call the "Night Dreads."

You see, during the day, I'm a pretty optimistic and reasonable person. I usually make informed, prayerful decisions concerning my personal life and family. Though I tend to fly by the seat of my pants, I trust my gut, lean towards logic, follow the golden rule and try not to sweat the small stuff. I think I have pretty great coping skills and I'm generally even-tempered. But at night, when the gremlins creep in, I transform into a confused, irrational, self-loathing crybaby.

When I start to hear their sneering accusations, I become instantly rigid. My gut balls up, a slight sweat breaks out and my heart begins to race. My mind starts flashing scenes from everything I'd screwed up in the last 24 hours. In those moments, anything can be challenged-- my beliefs, my convictions, I become utterly hornswoggled that all my major life decisions were wrong-Wrong-WRONG!

The gremlins stand over my bed tormenting me, whispering that all my kids are going to rebel and reject everything we ever taught them. They predict that one day our house will burn down and that I'll probably get murdered in my sleep. I start believing no one will ever buy or sell another house through me, that ship has sailed, sister!  I need to start applying for a REAL job...but nobody's gonna hire me. And by-the-way, my silly dreams and trifle hobbies are pointless, I'm wasting my life. The gremlins remind me how unorganized, inconsistent, uncultured, uneducated, mediocre, not-enough and emotionally incapable I am of sharing my deepest, truest self with anyone, it's no wonder I have no friends. I don't even have my own 401K and Oh my Gawd, I haven't hugged my middle child in over a week! And guess what else, Lisa, YOU forgot to pay the sewer bill and we're probably not going to have running water in the morning. Not to mention, Armageddon is upon us and we are SO. Unprepared.

Faith and Angst

and why I need my Crutches.

I've spent the last week flopping around in a torrent of emotion. I know, weird, right?  I think my eyes even got watery at one point last Tuesday.  It's really boiled down to a matter of where my heart and my head have been, colliding. Or maybe it is just hormones as usual, but as I slog through some unfamiliar feelings cluttering my judgement, I hold fast to this, Christ is in me. He is the only thing holy about Lisa Frey. The rest of me is a sanctified mess. Sometimes it's like I'm on the edge of  a cliff and the only thing between me and certain free-fall is this chain of commitment to God and Family tethered around my neck. I'm either gonna hang myself with it or it's going to save my life.

Now, I'm all about introspection and self-improvement but I snarked at author, Donald Miller's, challenge to his subscribers the other day to confess their three biggest faults on Facebook. Being the proud person I am, I'm pretty sure my first thought, Hell no!, was audible.  Although, I have noticed some sketchy things materialize in myself lately that, I suppose, have been dormant for years. The challenge gnawed at me. I tossed and turned all night and decided, why not? You want people to know the authentic Lisa, right? Yeah, okay, well here are four...

Like I said, I'm prideful.

I hate being embarrassed.  My fear of it is physically crippling and I will avoid humiliation at all costs, even if that means missing opportunities or feeling regret over never attempting something.  I mean, I can laugh at myself with the rest of you... right? Is it not entertaining enough that I fall down and spill stuff, daily? I know my absence of rhythm and coordination are hilarious. I've even learned to own my pigeon toes. But what I lack in physical grace, I make up for in self dignity. I think I was born with some blue DNA though, because I crave respect more than a desire to be liked and I've developed this all-sufficient attitude that inhibits me from submitting to anyone or thing.  I'm not going  to burden anybody with my complaints or needs. I keep my walls high and expectations of people low to avoid disappointment.  And sometimes, *gasp* I might only do the right thing because I just don't want to have to apologize later.

I want what I want.

And I'm not even talking about material things. Sometimes I feel more obligated to my commitments than a desire to be committed. There are days I get claustrophobic by my own life-choices despite that I have everything a girl could ask for, I still find myself daydreaming  over what I can't have, even envious over those who seem content with much less. Discontentment. Or is it, restlessness?  I've been 29 years old for a decade now, maybe it's the onset of mid-life crisis... I'm seriously considering a career change or taking up some adrenaline infused hobby... Anyway, I've made my bed, but there are nights I just don't wanna lay in it. Yeah, yeah, Somebody call the whaaambulance.

Jesus Loves Them So Why Do I Have To?

ChristArt

The other day I dove head first into a facebook debate. I knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyway. I just couldn't resist the topic. I deflowered that conversation like a cheap box of chocolates.  I've always fancied a good debate. What sets me apart, however, is my cheeky way of turning a serious argument into a three ring circus. Watching people explode into flaming tirades has always been a source of entertainment for me. Instead of getting mad, I flippantly antagonize. It's a contest. I feel like if I can make the opponent lose their temper and act a fool, I've won.  Sinister, I tell you.

Being Misunderstood

     It's easy to make assumptions about people. I am a master profiler myself (hold on while I snicker smugly and flick the lint off my shoulder). I learn a lot about folks just by the way they carry themselves, and I ask questions. If you didn't already know, I'm a Realtor from nine to five, it's my job to read people and get 'in their business'. I like to think of myself as more of a noticer than nosy. It's always been easy for me to pick up on subtle nuances in tone, inflections, body language and mood patterns.  Mostly because I have radar ears and x-ray vision and I can smell a secret smothered in peanut-butter and buried in dog poo. It's a gift, really. I'm always searching for what's missing from the puzzle, taking notes on what you're not doing, listening for what I didn't hear you say, generally looking for what's out of character. It's how I bust my kids every. time.


But for someone who possesses such keen sensory superpowers as I, it's taken me twenty-plus years to realize that sometimes my E.S.P. aint so popular with others.  Folks pretty much don't want to be figured out, psychoanalized or dissected. It makes them kind of, "uncomfortable".  I've noticed most people don't show a lot of gratitude when I'm pulling the rug out from under them either. Calling someone out is no way to get brownie points, I have discovered.

Learning The Hard Way

This post wont come as any breaking news to those who know me up close.  And for those who don't, well just wipe the drool off your mouth because I'm not about to disclose anything scandalous either.  However, I broach today's topic with a little trepidation.  Regret. Talking about regret means I have to admit stuff. Although my past is not weaved with the seduction of Reality-TV fodder (well, maybe a little), neither is it a chaste and innocuous tale I'll be sharing with my kids anytime never. Whether the details of it are unsavory or mundane, some of it just plain embarrasses me. Indeed, there is a price I've paid for every choice, good and bad, and lord knows there's not enough room on my blog to illuminate all of the glorious details but I'll give you a peek inside my past--of what not to do-- because I have a point here, I'm sure.

A LITTLE HISTORY

I spent my entire educational career obsessed with something totally unrelated to academia. Pulling a 'C' average was just a means to maintain my social life, 'cause Monday through Friday it was my personal mission to snag me a boyfriend! This private manifesto began in kindergarten with a boy named Chris (who would never let me lay my nap-mat next to him), and was galvanized by Joey in 2nd grade (who I always chased and kicked in the nuts because I thought it was "flirting"), and eventually scrawled over 300 tear-stained pages of my high school diary. Unfortunately (or fortunately) boys didn't like me until I was about fifteen years old. I was a lanky, underdeveloped, freckle faced, red-head with braces.  I knew the odds were stacked against me, so I had to compensate. 

In middle school I probably wasted the bulk of my paper-route money on aqua-net and wet-n-wild cosmetics in attempts to make myself beautimus for all those boys who had no interest in me. Freshman year, I spent all four-hundred dollars of my baby-sitting cash on a brand-name wardrobe that was sure to catch their eye. To my horror, I found out labels didn't have the same boyfriend currency in high school as they did in 8th grade. I was sixteen years old before I finally went steady with someone longer than a week and, as irony had it, he attended our rival school.

Living In Squalor

I was watching "Hoarding: Buried Alive" on Wednesday night. I love that show because it does multitudes for my self esteem. I love to gape and gasp at the slothful slovenly conditions these people voluntarily live. I can't get my head around why they would  choose to reside in such filth and clutter and chaos but mostly it blows my mind that these people are so brazenly selfish. Most of them live alone, having sacrificed family and precious relationships over their altars of garbage. The people featured on the show all seem to be poisoned by the same toxic gruel; A recipe laced with tragedy, chalked full of loose screws drowned in gallons of foul selfishness.

I think I hate selfishness the most of all things noxious in human beings because selfishness is the root and pulse of every vile deed. All of us are innately selfish to a degree but  the hoarders' selfishness is epitomized in such an explicit heap they make it easy for me to feel superior.  They provide an extreme benchmark to which I can compare myself and say, wow Lisa, you're only, like, a level one hoarder (selfish), so you're still OK with the world.  I feel justified to ridicule them on the TV and sneer when they blubber about how they 'just don't understand why' they do this. Cry babies. I tell them why. I belittle them as they lament over their hoard and waffle over the possibility of exchanging it to get their families back. I would spit on them (in a virtual anonymous way) if I could. For one sick, self-aggrandizing hour, this show provides me a pretend world to unleash my hate-venom for all things selfish.  Until I met Kelaine.

Kelaine is an eccentric artist who hoards banana peels,  penguins and frogs. She says she got that way because her mother didn't love her and never made her feel welcome in her own house growing up. Kevin, her live-in boyfriend of 11yrs, was begging Kelaine to reclaim just the kitchen and living room so he could cook for her and entertain company. Kelaine snarled that Kevin's expectations were 'unrealistic'. But upon later sessions with her gentle, coaxing therapist, Kelaine came to realize something poignant about herself and she chokingly admitted, "I've never said I wasn't selfish...No one in my world matters to me as much as I do. I mean, that may be wrong...but its honest." She was visibly regretful that she'd made Kevin to feel like her mom made her feel and the sorrow of it caused her to decide to change her hoarding ways. And with that I decided I liked Kelaine.

Rarely have I witnessed a person, so put on the spot, own up to their selfishness without excuse. All it took was someone who didn't judge Kelaine and showed her an ounce of kindness to spark a little flame of introspection and *pouf* love motivated Kelaine to change.  And in that moment I realized someone should spit on me (in a metaphoric pseudo kind of way).
There's a nugget of truth a wise friend of mine just said to me a couple days before I watched this episode. His words punched me in the throat and rang in my ears:  "And oh, this thing about 'loving the sinner, but hate the sin' is about the most disingenuous piece of manure ever. People who spout off that non-sense hate other people's sins, but not their own"--David Cho.  Here I just wrote a dissertation on how to play nice and make friends meanwhile, I'm holed up with my television ripping total strangers a new one.
 
Shame. on. me. 

Though I'll probably continue to watch Hoarders because I think I'm addicted to the show. But I'm going to give the folks a little more grace from now on and not snark at the TV so much. Fortunately for me there is no camera crew filming my selfish indiscretions (wouldn't you like to know) so I gotta give these brave people props for putting their junk out there and trying to change, which is leaps ahead from where I sit.

Religiously Outing Myself

Radical Views on Faith and Why I'm Starting Over

I'm rebellious and I like pushing peoples' buttons, love is like that. That's why love is my most favorite law, because its reckless and unruly, it has no boundaries and there are no laws that supersede it. Love can't be bossed around. I'm kind of a nosy person too, but love is an interloper and even undignified at times so that makes me feel better about thrusting myself on people who do and don't know me that well. Love also multiplies and illuminates the great in people regardless of what else is lurking or lacking in their soul. How awesome that I can shine the light of it on someone whose bulb is burning out and recharge them!  Love is forgiving, it overlooks mistakes and faults and who doesn't need this kinda grace in their life? Love in action, makes it possible for us to push through the rough patches. The best thing about law of love is, anyone can live by Love's mandates and reap its benefits! Agnostic, prostitutes, Muslims, celebrities, scientists, politicians, teenagers, my cat, even Christians.

Yes, I said Christians, and I am one of them. Aren't Christians, by definition, people who exude love? I wish, but we've screwed a lot of things up these past 2000 years and have quite a bit of apologizing and reformation to do before we will ever be famed as a group notorious for its bleeding love instead of religious rhetoric. 
Most of us are not a hopeless bunch though, and if we want the world to know what we're really about, we're gonna have to start by being a lot nicer. I think it begins with making making friends, real friends, outside our clique of 'Born Agains'.  

We need to have other friends beyond the church walls, with people we share common interests besides dogma. Friends are the family we get to choose so we should pick them based on how they enrich our lives, not whether they'll take our advice or affirm our philosophies. It is possible to be friends with people we like and admire who don't share the same religious views, have different morals, values, ethics and political views. As long as we are respectful and kind and agree to disagree it is possible to be great friends because that's what love does and we all are capable of loving. 

I'm not talking about missionary friendships though. The Bible tells us  that God, the Holy Spirit, is the one that draws men unto Him. It's not the Christian's job to convert or browbeat people into believing Gospel.  We have not failed humanity or God if someone doesn't take our word for it. Where we fail is when we withhold love (as if it were a commodity) from others because they don't buy what we're selling.  Just grasping the concept that God is in control and trusting that love always wins really takes the pressure of those of us who believe we're supposed to share the 'Good News'. What a relief we don't have to peddle the Bible or have an agenda to be friends with anyone, we just have to care for them. Cliche, albeit true, people just don't care what you believe unless they believe you care.

But befriending someone for the sake of beguiling them into our belief system is not very friendly or even genuine in my opinion.  My father-in-law is right. Who wants to be friends with someone whose sole intent is to change them?  Even Jesus didn't do that. He came to earth to say; "I love you just the way you are, follow me and I'll take care of you, I'll comfort you through the bad stuff. You might sink in your troubles but I won't let you drown. When you fall, I'll pick you up.  If you break, I'll glue the pieces back together. If you get lonely I'm here and I'm listening.  If you lose faith, I have faith enough for both of us.  You may get sick but I can heal and when or if it's time to go, I'll take you home with me"  Isn't that the attitude we all should have towards others anyway?

Some of us need to stop manipulating, stop befriending non believers for the sake of or on the condition we convert them. Cults do that. We weren't called to brainwash, we are mandated to freely love others and share where we believe that love originates from, like Jesus did. Take it up with Him if you don't believe me, His friends were thieves and prostitutes. If we love like He loved, we don't need to strong arm anyone into our brand of faith. If Christians truly believe that God IS love, then Love (God) is perfectly capable of persuading people all on Its own--as long as that love is being expressed through us daily and organically.


I wish some of the brick and mortar churches would just let God be God and stop putting its faith in marketing twelve step programs of seven methods and three formulas we can use to find the ten keys to redeem a sinner. We don't need to sell Jesus with a light show and a latte on Sundays. We don't need  to tickle the ears of our audience with a rock band or a feel-good message to lure them into becoming a member of our 'church.'   Loving others and telling them the truth, IS relevant enough. People are the church, you and I. Where we gather is a place for worship, fellowship, teaching and encouragement.

Now here's a funny, you can thank me later:) 

I'm not opposed to making worship a fun and culturally contemporary experience, I still go to a church, but I'm disenchanted by what I see corporate greed and power and pride have made of some of our hallowed buildings. 

If being a Christian is not a religion but a relationship, then it's time I started acting like it. I think God is rousing a lot of Christians from a religious coma these days. It's time we stop depending on one pastor to tell us what to do (as if God ever intended his church to be run autocratically) and start taking responsibility for our own spirituality. We are not robots and the church is not a machine. I suspect God is tired of us being run this way and frankly, so am I. 

Hokay, so if you're still awake after reading this essay and wanna hear a true short story about a friend of mine that illustrates such radical parallels on faith and friendship, read on... (you can do it!)

I was with one of my bff's, Stephany, recently at a pub in downtown Vancouver. She was visiting from Hawaii for just a couple of days and this particular watering hole was a familiar hangout to gather all her peeps together for a short visit, she's pretty popular. Actually, Stephany is kinda famous among her friends and I'm sure it's because she's one of the kindest people we have ever met. 

I've known her since we were 13 years old. The nice girl image she projects is not fake and the the love she exhales is not duplicitous. The light she radiates and the warmth she emits actually attracts people to her. She doesn't even have to try to get people like her and if I were a jealous person I would make her go live in a gingerbread house, wear fondant underpants and eat gumdrops the rest of her life for being so sticky sweet all the blipping time.  But I'm not envious, I'm just like the rest of her friends who want to be around her.  I'm not trying to paint Stephany as a deity, I mean, she is an angel most the time but when her wings fall off she flies on her broomstick and you'd best lay low. She is a normal human like everyone else, capable of the full gamut of emotions, but what makes Stephany special and sets her apart is that she's made it a conscious life goal to love people and love them unbiasedly.  Pretty ambitious enterprise for a girl who doesn't subscribe to any particular religion, but she lives it.

I'd waited all week for my turn to be with Stephany and meeting her in a bar at 10pm on a Thursday night was all I got this go round.  But no sooner did I find a seat than she was up flitting about the room working her friendly prowess, that's the thing with social butterflies I suppose. So I just sat there, alone, staring into my glass of lime water, listening to her cool friends Tasha and Shina croon on the open mic.  Until I overheard her other cool friend, Steven, gushing over Stephany behind my back. I turned around to see him with his arm over her shoulder, staring into her eyes in the most serious platonic way (she's married to another really cool and really giant biker dude) and Steven said to her "Stephany, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. You're not just gorgeous on the outside but your gorgeous on the inside and that's why I love you." 

I can only hope at the end of my life that what Steven said to Stephany is something my friends will also say about Lisa. I want to make others feel necessary and loved and appreciated like Stephany does.   Whether Stephany believes in God is irrelevant to me, I want what she and Jesus have in common, God (love) living through me, making a difference, infecting others with the kind of love that is contagious. 

Contemporary, Cutting Edge Church of Outside The Box; Featuring Innovative, Radical & Current Heart Longings of An Average Believer

*Disclaimer*
Opinion Alert! I am no expert on how a church building should be run. The radical wish-list below is meekly based on what I believe the Bible says a church should look like and my experience of being part of one.**
                                                                                                                     

1) TEAM Leadership, Not Dictatorship

Team foundation facilitates transparency & accountability. Monetary and directional decisions are made with wisdom, prayer and careful advising --consensus based rather than mandates hinged on autocratic whims, emotions & circumstance. Team-Leaders are free to lead within scope of their gifting and not micro managed. Being Team-led encourages relationships, unity & active enthusiastic involvement. Secrecy is avoided and integrity of everyone is preserved.

2) Church VISION & Emphasis On 5-Fold Ministry
Team-leaders of the house should be Pastors, Evangelists, Apostles, Prophets and Teachers. One man or woman cannot and will-not embody all the ministries. God set it up this way on purpose so we would be dependent on Each-other!

Present the WHOLE gospel, utelizing the entire team of leaders. Don't be exclusive to evangelism. Tell the un-churched why the good news is good news--help them distinguish from what is the bad news.

The salvation message does not rest solely a Pastor's shoulders. And the alter-call (or response card) is not the apex of a church experience. ALL Christians are expected to spread the gospel and not just on Sunday. It is the Holy Spirit that calls and persuades anyone to receive Christ. If the non-believer doesn't respond to the preached message, it doesn't mean we've blown it. As long as we are obedient to speak the truth, let us be satisfied that its not their time yet to receive. At the very least we have planted seed or watered the God that is already at work inside them. The harvest belongs to the Lord, not the Evangelist.

3)Head-Pastor A Shepherd-Pastor: (Preacher/speaker or not)

Pastors are not herders of cattle. They are shepherds of sheep! The Pastor should be a friend to his congregation, an elder that offers counseling and guidance. One who is humble and gentle and invests their life and time into discipling & KNOWING, exhorting and feeding their sheep, running after those who stray and apologizing when necessary. A church body should not be led by executive or administrative CEO. Church is  a FAMILY, repeat/referral network based. We are not Hollywood, a corporation, or a retail marketing business.

4) Benchmark For Churches 'Success' Measured In Fruit, Not By Number Of People Who Showed Up Or Filled Out A Communication card.

Fruit: Are needs 1-10 listed here being met?  Does the church have bountiful volunteers?  Do the regular attendees bring visitors? The question we should be asking is--do they want to volunteer, are they proud to bring their friends? Are folks genuinely excited to be there?
The answer to that cannot be quantified with numbers. Growing a church based on statistics cannot be applied to an entity like the Church because it's innately personal, cellular and creative. To do so ties the hands of God and puts him in a box.  Who needs the Holy Spirit when we have all the answers in a database?

5) The Preacher(s) To Minister Authentically: From The Word AND From Their Own Reservoir Of Life Experience (truth & light, water & salt)

The minister should be vulnerable and transparently giving of themselves to congregation in order to connect, engage and identify with the people. Ministers should seek to hear from God through the Word and prayer and utilizes their own unique strengths and personal testimony in order to get the message across in an authentic way only they are anointed to do so.  Not with stock lessons, borrowed sermons, or by researching what is 'relevant' teaching in today's popular church. Tell the WHOLE truth and do not sell out, no matter what looks are on their faces.

6) EXPRESSED Appreciation, Gratitude & Respect And Honor For Volunteers/Lay-Leaders & Committed Members.

We all need to be encouraged! Jesus & the Apostle Paul made time for it, the Pastor(s) should make the time as well. Love; Kindness,  hospitality, generosity and friendship are the constitution of what makes PEOPLE a Church, if we don’t have love amongst each other, we have nothing. Where there is no love there is discouragement.  If the people continue to be discouraged the church will soon be divided and after awhile, we wont have a building to stand in.

7) High VALUE Placed On Organic Worship, Prayer & Holy Spirit Leading:

Worship sets the tone for the message being preached (if it does not serve as the 'message' itself). Worship prepares the heart to hear and scrubs from the inside. When prayer is incorporated, Holy Spirit is free to convict, transform & heal. Worship & prayer are the ONLY things God receives from the body in a corporate gathering. A trust-worthy Worship Pastor should be delegated the full scope of their responsibility, granted full-liberty to lead worship in whatever capacity suited to his/her gifts and ability including song choice, genre, style, be it solo, band or full choir. Administrative leaders and the like need not touch, micromanage, hinder and especially interrupt worship.

 
8) A Church That's Built On A Stable/Biblical Foundation: A Tried and True Model Of Love, Friendships, Worship, Prayer, Holy Spirit, Teaching, Giving & Invitation.

Creativity is NOT a foundation to build a church on...fluff, hype, gimmicks, 'contemporvant' packaging come last. If we build a church on creativity first its an upside down pyramid of a solid church model. If we copy everybody else, then the antiquity of gifts within our body are rendered useless. If every ministry within the church body is 'formulated' and minimized to the point that 'anyone' can fill the spot, then our individuality is discounted.

9) Be INVOLVED With Other Local Churches, Not In Competition
We are ALL one body. Regardless of where the tithe money ends up, NO restrictions or discouragement of volunteering or participation in 'another' churches activity or outreach, period. Enough with the competition between bodies! It's bad enough that Sunday is already the most racially divided day of the week. Again, we are all ONE Church.



10)Majority Of Funds Going Towards Outreach Not Overhead.

Mortgage payment eating up most of the tithe? Maybe its time to downsize. If the people of the church love their church (each other), it won't matter where they gather as long as there's room enough.



Rambling here...just read and move along, or don't.

I'm supposed to be cleaning my room right now. I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things I'm not doing. The past few months have been a lesson in humility. I've fallen short in everything I set out to do. I have also learned communal living isn't for sissies, and I am one FYI. I think I retracted that blog I wrote about cohabiting with people that aren't your family, but in case you didn't read my comments, don't try it unless your single or a college kid. "You can never go back". Wisdom straight from my own 21 year old daughter, life experience for me. Oiy, live-n-learn, I guess. So this wont be a long blog, or it might, just checking in really. Gotta throw my fans a bone...heh, heh.

The short of it is, the economy has officially caught up to the Frey Fam. We tried having a live-in house guest from mid-November until the 3rd week of January and it just got weird, fast. Thank God that's over. But we are still in a pinch these days. We'll be fine in the end, but it's not good out there for Realtors like myself. Last month Clark County had somewhere around 340 total home sales. That may sound like a lot to you but Clark County has over 3,400 listings. If every Realtor had two listings that means, about 1300 of us didn't get paid?! Statistics are actually not as sunny as I paint them, however.

I used to be so good with the family budget. Recently, I've let it go to pot cuz I never know when we'll have money to pay whatever. So this huge pile of envelopes is growing on my desk and its daunting. I'm afraid of it. So I let it sit there and torment me. Times are rough.

But we're changing things around here at the Frey estate. Pinching pennies and such, we'll be OK. Cause that's how the story always ends. Things have a way of working out. Trusting God makes it a little less stressful. Right now I'm just searching for the balance of my responsibility and where I'm supposed to allow Him room to direct our steps.

All this financial hubbub got me wondering what my life would look like if I didn't have to worry about making an income. Why, I could write blogs every day, I could scrap book and have time to convert all my family movies into DVDs. I could set aside time to write music and read and daydream and have lots of recording sessions. I could journal more, pray more, cook more, clean more. I would visit my sisters every day for coffee. I'd go to Africa and meet my sponsor children and stop by Hawaii to hang out with my BFF. I'd do concerts with my music friends and I'd buy lots of clothes and my house would constantly look fabulous and my kids and husband would be happy cause I would be happy, right?!
*sigh*
Meanwhile, I'm breaking out. I've never had acne before and now I'm on every medication, RX and over the counter. I'm determined to beat it. But if I would just drink about 6 more glasses of water a day it would probably clear up. Thing is, I just forget. Like I keep forgetting to pick my daughter up at the bus stop. I was writing this blog when I got a call from school that they brought her back because I wasn't standing outside in sub-zero temperatures waiting for her. Actually, I did go out there but the bus had come and gone and it was about 10 minutes of shivering and frost bite before I figured it out. No, I'm not blaming the bus driver. Even though I can see the bus from my driveway and it wouldn't kill her to pull up 100 feet to let my daughter off. Yeah, she'd rather teach me a lesson on punctuality by inconveniencing herself. Ah pffft. Join the everyone hates Lisa club.

Seriously though, I fear I'm a little discombobulated cuz I'm PMSing. I'm also empty-nesting, with two kids recently moved out of the house. I'm all confused on portion control when making dinner. After 14 years of marriage I'm supposed to be making sure to feed that, too. I'm just so distracted. I'm calling Jared 'Elih' and Jamey 'Jeremy'...I really just wanna got to the neighbors house and hang out. She is like 5 years behind me and her life doesn't look as complicated, even though I know it is. But but she makes me forget. We watch cable and talk about music and stuff.

I'm feeling old, too. I have  grown man-child in the Marine corps who could potentially be 4 months away from deploying to some God-forsaken desert to shoot people he doesn't want to kill. He misses home and neither one of us has managed to cut the umbilical cord yet. My 14 year old son has been on a massive growth spurt and is now as tall as me. My 9 yr old isn't far behind him as his once too-tight jeans are now in need of a belt. And Audrey, well if you know her then you know its like living with a mini me. She doesn't quit talking though. And she thinks she's 15. I guilt myself that I don't hang out with our 21 yr old daughter enough. Shes in her Jr yr of college. I'm so proud of her but I'm wondering how she got to be so old?? OMGsh and the possibility of grand kids just HAUNTS me!

So I'm at this crossroads. I have dreams I'm almost too ancient to achieve, and I gotta hurry up or forget about it. But if I gave up on them, I could focus on my job and probably make lots more money! I wonder how my life would look if I put all my energy back into my job?....ugh. I don't think I love selling houses enough. It's a lot of paper trails and phone calls and marketing and long hours away from my family and missing church. Financially, it makes the most sense so it makes me feel selfish that it's the LAST thing on earth I want to do right now. So I do short-sales instead. Have you heard of those? I'm an expert...No really, I am.
:-/
I'm frustrated with church too, BTW. NOYB why, I just am. It's a debacle, full of people who've messed it all up. Prayin' that will work itself out too... Lotsa prayin' going on. Maybe that's how God likes it. It's all on him now. I've done enough damage and I'm surrendering. The next few decisions I make are crucial, the life altering kind. I have a big chance to really screw up my future or an opportunity to start a new journey, maybe both. But right now, I just want a nap. Dinner is in the crock pot, help yourself, I gotta go to walmart and buy milk and fruit.

New day tomorrow:-)

Thankful

Snarky, cold, black & white, aloof, pointed, sarcastic, unemotional, dispassionate, confusing...I'm thankful today because, in spite of these constructive criticisms, I know I am still adored by the friends and family that feel brave and safe enough to tell me these truths without mincing words. I am a lucky girl and I know it.

I'm thankful for all my vastly different friends who teach me new perspectives and challenge my thinking. I'm blessed with a humongous fambily that loves me unconditionally.  I have a husband who treats me like a queen, and wildly unique children whom I love with such intensity I could eat them for breakfast. I'm honored I got a hand in raising my husbands little girl into a beautiful & smart woman, my 1st daughter.  My heart bursts with pride that my firstborn son is the bravest man I know, proudly serving in the USMC. I'm ecstatic that these two oldest kids are now grown-up awesome people. By God's grace I've still got my health. I'm thankful for the twists and turns in life--the ups & downs that continue to stretch and teach me, that my glass is always half-full and I get to drink coffee, eat chocolate and laugh every day. I'm privileged to get to sing and lead worship each week with an amazing bunch of uber talented people. I'm thankful that my home is always buzzing and chaotic, our paid-off cars still run, the hubs and I are still employed. I'm thankful that my sister, Christy, is still alive. I also thank God that one day I'll see my dad and son, Kaden, again. I'm thankful for family that are also my best friends and that my best friend, Stephany, is family. I'm also lucky enough to live next door to one of my bff's. I'm fortunate to live in a country where my dreams can be a reality if I'm willing to work for it --and it doesn't hurt that I'm connected to a network of incredibly gifted friends and family.  I have an uncertain and amazing future to look forward to and God Himself to walk me through it. And I love my kitty...and makeup.

A Mission Statement In Christianese

Dear Brothers and Sisters in the Lord,

Please forgive me for the following blasphemy of our sacred Christian lingo. I feel led to exhort the holy rollers who abuse christianese in the world and among the flock. There's a check in my spirit that exposing the over-use of our jargon for the foreign tongue that it is, will not only help us to laugh at ourselves but also spurn us to fellowship as a congregation in a more practical way. Take no offense, this is all in fun! 

I feel called to press in, that my works bear fruit and boldly confess the good news as a sanctified Born-again should. Furthermore, I feel moved to take a leap of faith and exegete from the scriptures on a level heathens might finally understand us. Can I get a witness?!  May the Lord set me on fire and I pray God will open a door if it be His will!

I am humbly inspired to use the giftedness God has imbued into my heart. Although, sometimes I feel attacked by the enemy, but its nothing a little storming the gates of heaven and a bit of intercessory with my church family can't fix. I just tell myself I'm a priceless treasure, even if only a foot in the body of Christ. I rest in the glorious joy of the Lord, going deeper with God, being open to the Spirit, and coming into agreement with other prayer warriers, while we wait for the prophetic inspiration of the new wine to go to the next level. I rebuke the curse of Adam, I do not receive it. Because, Glory be, I have the anointing and my mantle is secure, I've found the Lord & have the Victory! My spirit is renewed every time I get a dose of the Holy Ghost. God forbid I end up an old wineskin. I mean, WWJD?

 No Jesus, no peace but I know Jesus & I know peace. It's not a religion, it's a relationship. My father is a Jewish carpenter for heaven sake! Therefore, I have a burden to plant seed for the harvest. I just need to carry my cross, plead the blood and take my thoughts captive so I don't end up a lukewarm backslider drowning in a lake of hell fire.

As I was fasting in supplication for inner transformation, seeking the mind of God, meditating in reverence of the Word, there was a quickening in my spirit that convicted me. I realized I was wandering in the wilderness, being tested by fire so that my testimony will touch the hearts of the unbelievers to set them free so they will be free indeed. We've got to turn or burn from our worldly ways. For we are all redeemed by the blood of the lamb, with forgiveness and without condemnation, we are restored.

I have a higher calling. I can do all things with mustard seed faith that moves mountains.  By faith and not by sight, I believe the Lord works in mysterious ways-- especially in my prayer closet during devotions. Sometimes I just get so slain in the spirit my heart overflows with joy and peace that surpass all understanding.  My cup runs over whenever I lay hold of the promise. All I have to do is name it & claim it or blab it  & grab it and wait for the windows of heaven to pour out the blessing. Everything happens for a reason and God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right?!

I confess, even I burn with righteous anger when I don't see fruits of the spirit. I constantly remind myself to hate the sin and love the sinner. So I'm encouraged by rhema word to walk in truth and let my light shine to illuminate the revelations of spiritual warfare. To be salt of the earth I have to drink living water!

I hope I've been able to minister to your spirit, that my words won't return void in your walk. As I am in the way, I hope God ordains and prospers you for the mission field. I'm blessed to be a blessing. Lord willing, I am just clay in the potters hands and pray the Lord will use me as his leaky vessel to manifest his presence when I lay hands on you and anoint you.

Hallelujah! This is the great commission of the five fold ministry! If we expect to see the incarnation during the latter rain, avoid the mark of the beast, and be caught up in the rapture; we must put on the armor of God. We must enter Sabbath rest to see the shekinah glory and avoid the tribulation of Armageddon.  The trinity was presented at Calvary and justified the immaculate conception!  The lost are edified in the assembly of his disciples, not with speaking in tongues but by partaking eating and drinking the body of Christ. Sinners get salvation and will be welcomed through the pearly gates if they repent at the alter call and are baptized in the Holy Spirit.  When we ask Jesus into our Hearts, we become his sheep and stay in his grip. With our prayer language we can reach the world and convert the unsaved.

I have a prayer request. Let us start a prayer chain and say grace so that we can have peace about this:

Dear gracious and loving big man in the sky, 

I beseech you &  I bow my heart. Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies, surround us with a hedge of protection, send us with your traveling mercies,cover us with your blood, help those who cannot help themselves, and help those poor in spirit because cleanliness is next to Godliness and all men are created equal in the body of Christ for the pursuit of happiness.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change and wisdom to know the difference. It weighs heavily on our hearts, Father God, help us to fulfill our calling, to pray-in the manifestation of a charismatic revival of the saints--and especially for our youth  and small groups. Bury our sins at the bottom of the sea of forgetfulness.

Fill the God-size hole in our hearts and wash away our iniquities. Give us the manna from heaven, let us not partake of forbidden fruit, cause us to overflow in your abundance and sustain us with your blessed assurance. Let us abide in the fear of the Lord to have real spirit filled encounter retreats in tent revivals to learn how to become fishers of men that win souls. Empower us not to drink cuss or chew or go out with those who do. 

Transform our old man into a new man and give us deliverance from our sin-nature into the land flowing with milk and honey. Allow us to prosper in the year of jubilee, to bring in the seekers for your kingdom come, because we know you will make a way. May we get all we can, can all we get, and sit on the lid. God is good, all the time. God is great, I pray the Lord my soul to take. May we rest in peace. Amen