and why I need my Crutches.
I've spent the last week flopping around in a torrent of emotion. I know, weird, right? I think my eyes even got watery at one point last Tuesday. It's really boiled down to a matter of where my heart and my head have been, colliding. Or maybe it is just hormones as usual, but as I slog through some unfamiliar feelings cluttering my judgement, I hold fast to this, Christ is in me. He is the only thing holy about Lisa Frey. The rest of me is a sanctified mess. Sometimes it's like I'm on the edge of a cliff and the only thing between me and certain free-fall is this chain of commitment to God and Family tethered around my neck. I'm either gonna hang myself with it or it's going to save my life.
Like I said, I'm prideful.
I want what I want.
Imagine that, a stubborn red-head, how cliche of me. Once in a while, I'll do something bad on purpose because, I just do. I have this image of the kind of person I try to be--moral, wise, stoic, genuine--but truth be told, I don't want to be married to that kind of identity because there are days my wheels fall off and I need a little room to be something else. I also don't want to be predictable, predictable people can be manipulated people. Besides all that, I highly, highly, HIGHLY value my autonomy; so my knee-jerk reaction is to resist conforming on any level that threatens it-- whether it's church, family, friends or entity who project their expectations on me.
For someone who refuses to be under anyone's thumb, I think it's ironic I embrace Christianity to fulfill my spiritual needs. Then again, it makes perfect sense the rebel in me would choose a path much less followed by the rest of the world. Honestly though, I choose Jesus because his ways are so uncomplicated. I like being able to go right to the Source without a bunch of religious fluff. Jesus made the whole religion-bit obsolete by reducing all the "rules and rituals" into two simple laws of relationship. Love God and love others like yourself. Easy, eh? I like easy, but relationships take effort and when I get bored or things get rough, selfish Lisa takes over and starts making googly eyes at other stuff and that doesn't make me very popular with people. So, it's a relief to know God loves me in spite of myself, He understands my whole corrupted wiring and He's faithful when I am not. As for persuading others to Him, I'm not the most glowing example, I have a hard enough time keeping my own friends. But at the very least, when I misbehave or wander off, I want others to know it is Him who gently nudges me to circle back to Him, keeping me from jumping off that proverbial cliff. That's where I am this week, circling.