Friday, November 9, 2012

The Dirty Truth About Youth

In March I posted on confessions, and *whew*, did that feel good! So I thought I'd follow it up with a "part II" and put this shallow topic of vanity to bed. In the next few paragraphs I'll come mostly the rest of the way out of my closet (the one I keep all my skeletons in) and throw you a couple more bones I've been keeping to myself.

They say the "secret" to success is not to blab all your secrets but I just celebrated the 10th anniversary of my 29th birthday and honestly, staying 29 forever is a LOT of work! It takes commitment and almost having to be down right OCD about it. So because some of you have asked about my routines, others have been just plain nosy and because I think everyone should be able to stay 29 if they want to, here's my formula:


50 parts neuroticism, 20 parts body dysmorphia, 15 parts product, 5 parts skin care, 5 parts pain and 5 parts things I will never ever confess. Now, let's get down to the dirty details, shall we?

1.)  Diet (yes, it matters, grrr...) 

I will resort to Anorexia before I have to buy one more pair of fat jeans.This is my motivation to eat healthier... pretty much not about health at all, but it works for me.  I don't drink my calories, but chugging about a gallon of water per day has really  helped to clear up my skin. I take vitamins, eat small protein-rich meals throughout the day to keep my metabolism burning and I'll finish off my night with a hearty glass of Metamucil to keep those pipes moving. Cutting out wheat (total bummer) has surprisingly eliminated my chronic stomach-aches and bloating, a sad departure from doughnuts and pasta but motivation enough to stay on the trendy anti-wheat bandwagon. Since I've been eating cleaner, I also haven't needed my happy pills when Aunt Flo comes to visit...I think the hippie's are on to something with all their nazi granola rhetoric :(

The Dirty: When I'm feeling particularly weak or gluttonous and indulge in fat-laden food, I chase it down with an Alli pill to temporarily shut off my digestive system from absorbing fat. Yes, there are side effects. No, I don't want to talk about it.

2.) Skin Care 

Burning my face off with chemicals 4x a year melts away the freckles, dry skin, fine lines and big pores. To maintain my new baby skin, I wash my face every night and day with liquid acne soap and use an electrosonic scrub-blaster to exfoliate. Once a week I slather on a highly concentrated sulfur clay mask that purifies my skin and kills any nasty monuments itching to claim real estate on my face. I also use Biore pore strips once a month. On the cheap, I've discovered $3 cocoa butter lotion works beautifully as an every day moisturizer, although, I found a spendy liquid sheer 50spf sun-screen that offsets my savings. 

The Dirty: I have no surgical or procedural boundaries as to how far I will go to maintain youthful skin, HOWEVER, I'm never going to announce or disclose when or if I've done it unless you bust me first..but that would be rude so let's not, m'kay ;)


3.) Gobs of Makeup

Red-eye remover drops, teeth bleach, eyelid base, brow pencil, tweezers, hemorrhoid cream (for the puffy bags under my eyes, silly), good concealer for blemishes and discolored skin will put your makeup on steroids. And if you're a sour cream like me, Tan-in-a-Can will kiss your face with just enough color to minimize the need for globs of foundation or UV rays.  Now, my preference is to use higher-end brand cosmetics because they last longer and are more pigmented than the cheap stuff. But even if you don't, utilizing the first 5 or 7 ingredients will do oodles to maximize the *magic* in your makeup. For a less heavy handed look, use mineral powder instead of liquid foundation.  Invest in GOOD mascara!  If you have wimpy eyelashes, get you some Latisse, it WORKS!  Seriously! I used it for a while but I'm genetically blessed with abundant lashes so I ended up with Snuffleupagus results that were out-of-control. 

The Dirty: Confidence is the BEST makeup. I wish I could love my face sans-cosmetics but, as it is,  my self esteem relies on it.

4.)  Hair

Suave Mousse! Handfuls and piles of it, worked through my damp clean hair then blown-dry. It's cheap, it's light and your hair will mostly do whatever you tell it to when styling. If you have a good flat-iron and big-barrel curler you can do anything. My go-to bad hair day-do is the bangs bobby-pinned up or a messy bun. Basically, if the hair is off my face, something went awry...or I ran out of mouse.

The Dirty:  I LOVE ozone-wreckin', non PC aerosol hairspray. I'm an 80/90's teen, 'nuff said.

If you have any cost saving tips or youth preserving short cuts, please feel free to share by leaving your suggestions in a comment below. 


The Real Leslie Knope said...

I love you! OK... here are the tips for those of us not blessed with your hair and eyelashes:

1. Hair: Go see my daughter Sabbatha Davis at Swanky Salon in Puyallup. She specializes in extensions and can even do hair pieces you would NEVER guess aren't real for ladies (or men) who have significant hair loss.
2. Eyelashes. Use fake or you can order some special eyelash fibers that you swipe on. Can't remember the name. I'll find out.
3. Hats. Lots of hats.

The Real Leslie Knope said...

All that said, I have to be honest. I like your before picture better. I love Lisa au' natural (and by that I mean without makeup, with clothes.)

bobbi jo hubler said...

Witch hazel is a wonderful skin toner/cleaner and (ladies only) i dramatically reduces angry bikini rash.
Ive seen 2 scents lavender and cucumber.

bobbi jo hubler said...

Witch hazel is a wonderful skin toner/cleaner and (ladies only) i dramatically reduces angry bikini rash.
Ive seen 2 scents lavender and cucumber.